February 6, 2017
I intend to be a little vague here because I’m (sometimes) a lady, and because I’m simply hoping my openness and vulnerability helps any other moms or dads going through separation or divorce too; if you know me, you know mental health and wearing my heart on my sleeve is totally my gig.
It’s been unbelievably difficult balancing being a mom and also staying focused on myself (work is thankfully a creative outlet, so I’ve managed just fine there)… does he know mommy and daddy are split up? Is he upset? How will this affect him in the future? It’s been difficult balancing having Bane most of the time and also taking time for grieving when he’s not with me. I make time for personal growth, healing, reflection, prayer and self love. But it’s a struggle when your primary focus is your child’s happiness at such a heartbreaking time. It’s like being selfless and selfish at the same time.
Hiding my pain and tears, disguising disagreements so he doesn’t see or hear. For the first time in my life I’ve never felt more focused on the well being of someone else than what I’ve been going through in shielding Bane from any negative that he just doesn’t need to experience. I’ve bit my tongue, I’ve been a doormat just to keep peace against my selfish desire to fight back. I’ve been encouraged to fight, but it’s just not worth it to me and won’t allow us to be peaceful and resent-less in future. I’ve seen the hurt Robby went through from a nasty divorce and the ‘stuff’ isn’t worth it to me when I’d rather have peace and co-parent in a kind way. I’d rather create peace and let God’s love just do it’s thing. No money, no splitting of assets, none of it is worth any fighting. I’d rather be the woman that starts over and shows her son how tough a woman can be, and the power of the human spirit. What might seem like a poor financial decision to some, is something that gives me power and peace. I also never realized how strong I really am. I’ve been dealing with slander, lies, and ungodly amount of emotional rage, gossip, and spoiled friendships in the collateral damage of two lives that have been intertwined since high school. I’ve also heard the most hateful words from the person that was never supposed to say them to me. How can you end up strangers again after fifteen years? He’s hurt, I’m hurt, I try to ignore things said from just a place of hurt…. but it still hurts to hear it… moving forward…My life has been turned upside down; I don’t have my material accomplishments… I don’t live in the house I helped to make a home with the beautiful in-ground pool I designed …. the home I fully decorated and furnished…the lake I enjoyed viewing with my morning coffee, I don’t have any of my old luxuries but my vehicles, and I’ve had to start over completely. The loss of the material things isn’t what bothers me because I can’t take it with me to Heaven and it didn’t complete my soul. My love for my son can be just as warm in my mom’s in-law suite that it was at the home we had as a family… but it certainly completes the whole ‘my life is completely different’ picture.
Future plans as a family are now different and split… what does the future look like now? I have to re-plan my whole life… but also learning God has it planned out and I don’t need to know right now. I’ve hidden in the bathroom from Bane while my stomach ached from crying and my face covered in tears. I’ve had to stop the car because the tears were so overwhelming I couldn’t see while driving, then had to hear Bane say for the first time ‘Mommy sad’, which makes me angry he even has to experience it. But, I digress… I’ve even had moments where all I wanted to do was scream and dress up like Harley Quinn and take a bat to some glassware….but I also don’t want to be in a straight jacket ;) ….so I’ve focused my energy and suppressed my pain in healthy ways. I’ve also managed to drink LESS during this whole process…and momma loved her whiskey! I really don’t know what else could give me that strength to keep my shit together for Bane other than God. I know I really didn’t have it in me to do it alone. Prayer has been the one thing that has made me feel ‘home’ in all the chaos. ❤️🙌🏻👩👦 If you’re going through a divorce, just know you are not alone on your emotional rollercoaster… the ‘will I love again’, ‘did we ever truly love each other if it ended like this’… the uncertainty… someone else is feeling it too.